Harry's in Love With His Stalker
by darkpanda of angels
Summary: V-Day fic! Harry slowly falls in love with the crazy girl that follows him around, Luna. Includes other pairings as well.


This a very unusual valentines day fic, but it isn't like Luna's normal. So this is when Harry falls in love with his stalker.

This is completely AU if you haven't noticed, sadly Luna and Harry don't even date in the series. Honestly, when did Ginny go from cute little sister to girlfriend material? (and I actually do like Ginny...) This is a parody, so really don't expect an actual plot...but laugh at the love scenes (or creepy scenes, depending on your view) The start of this fic is right before the start of Harry's fourth year.

This isn't all devoted to HarryXLuna. There was some past, one-sided PetuniaXSnape, HerimoneXRon, and LilyXJames.

Harry's in Love With His Stalker

_Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh WOO!_

She calls me on the phone  
Hoping that I'm home  
And that I'm all alone  
But when I say hello,  
I only hear dial tone  
She thinks that I'm her own

"Boy, some girl is calling you. She seems normal." Aunt Petunia handed the phone over to him. She was, no doubtingly, referring to the time Ron called the house. Apparently, pureblood wizards and muggle technology don't mix. "Hopefully she isn't one of your kind." Wow...this was nice for his Aunt.

Harry picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" A click was heard.

"So, what did the normal girl say? Did she invite you to her house for the rest of the summer?" Aunt Petunia asked. "I wouldn't mind her over here to be honest." So Aunt Petunia wanted him gone. That didn't break his heart.

"She...hung up on me." Harry answered. "Did she mention her name..."

"Oh she probably just got nervous." Aunt Petunia said. "I know I did when I first called Vernon. She said her name was Luna, if you are wondering. She didn't mention much else."

He...didn't know a girl by the name of Luna! What the hell? She was probably a witch...but she got points for figuring out how to use a telephone. "Um, Aunt Petunia, this might seem rude, but why are you being so nice to me?"

"Well...this all goes back to your parents. I wasn't fond of your mother, parading around her freakish abilities around the house, impressing my parents. It was something I could never live up to...I am a normal person, thank you very much. When I thought my sister couldn't be more arrogant, she brought your father into the picture. I wanted to...no, I did hit him on the head with a frying pan. I didn't even think my sister, no matter how much I hated her, deserved him. You can imagine my joy when you, the son of the two people I hated most in the world, came into the picture and I had to raise you. The moral of the story is that I don't want you to marry some arrogant freak like my freaky sister did."

"Okay...you sound like Professor Snape. I think he hates my father just as much as you." It was scary to see the resemblance between his Aunt and his Professor.

"Oh...would his first name happen to be Severus?" Harry nodded at his Aunt's question. "I knew him. He was the wizard down the street."

"Aunt Petunia...did you just forget to say freak?" Harry asked.

"I knew him as a child. He was Lily's best friend, until she left him because of one stupid insult. That was the final straw that made him hate your mother. See, I had a crush on him at the time...anyway, please give this girl a chance. She sounds like she is good for you."

Harry didn't know what was creepier: the scary stalker girl on the phone or that his Aunt had a crush on Professor Snape of all people.

_Outside my window she crept,  
Watching my every step  
_

Harry was going about his normal day, or as normal as a person could be while forced to be in a dangerous tournament. He got some joy everyday by one extra activity he planned. "Hey Professor Snape!" Harry said cheerfully as he waved.

"What do you want Potter? Are you under the influence of some potion?" Professor Snape asked.

"No, Professor. I've realized I've haven't been appreciating you as I should, and you have saved my life, so I wanted to give you chocolates as a thank you." Harry cheerfully answered.

"Don't bother giving me poisoned chocolates like your father used to." Professor Snape then billowed down the hall.

"That didn't go as planned." Harry sighed to himself.

"Yes, I would say that was a major failure, Harry Potter." Harry jumped. There was a girl, in a tree, looking at him. "My name is Luna Lovegood, if you are wondering."

"You...you were the girl that called me!" Harry shouted. "Why are you in a tree exactly?"

"To enjoy the view of course!" Luna said.

"Okay..." Harry honestly thought this girl was insane.

_Oh oh oh  
She's following me_

Harry was trying to find a way to survive the dragon that was coming his way. However, realistically, he really didn't have a shot. Then something-or someone-distracted him from his thoughts. "Luna, come out. I know you're there."

"How did you know it was me? I saw some mean looking Hufflepuffs follow you." Luna dreamily stated.

"You and the Hufflepuff hitmen have totally different auras." Great, he was sounding like the Divination Professor. "The Hufflepuffs have this dark aura that I can sense from a mile away. Its why I am still standing. You have this fun whimsical aura that I've only been able to sense while you are on the ground."

"Thanks...that was the first time anyones complamented me." Luna stated.

"I'm sorry...I know what it feels like." Harry tried to make his stalker feel better. Why was he doing this? Oh yeah, Luna wasn't so bad when you got past the stalking part. She was very interesting and different.

"Thanks. So, you look like you need help." Luna said. It was scary how she could read someone.

"Unless you know how to stop a dragon, I'm afraid you can't help." Great...remind him of his doom again.

"Well, I can't defeat a dragon, but I can distract it. Dragons like shiny things." Luna also was filled with interesting tidbits of information.

"Well I guess there is a reason why you are in Ravenclaw. I don't even think Herimone knows that answer." Harry said as Luna blushed.

_Oh oh oh  
She's out of her tree_

"Hey Luna...where are you?" Harry could honestly say this was the first time he sought the girl out. He just had to say thanks to her. She did save his life with that little fact about dragons.

"Yes Harry?" Luna was in a tree...again.

"Could you come down?" Harry asked.

"Sure," Luna said as she gracefully landed on her feet. "I saw your score on the task. Good job in getting first place."

Harry blushed. "I wouldn't have if it wasn't for you. I just wanted to say thanks. So, you could actually see the task from this tree?"

"Yeah, I didn't want to be in the crowd below." Luna said. "I can show you if you like."

Harry climbed up into the tree and saw that the tree did have an amazing view.

_She's off of her rocker  
I want to marry my stalker_

Harry was desperate for a date. He asked Cho out, but like expected, the girl already had a date...with the other champion of Hogwarts. There was no other girl he knew besides Hermione...which wouldn't work out since she supposedly already had a day and Ron had a major crush on her, even if he hadn't figured it out yet.

Then he saw Luna try to explain nargles to a bunch of Ravenclaw girls who were making comments about how nuts she was. Luna...that was an idea. He knew her well enough, and she was pretty...and plus, this was only a dance. It wasn't like he was going on a date with her. Luna would understand. "Hey Luna, will you go to the Yule Ball with me?"

"Sure Harry..." Luna replied in surprise.

"What the...why go out with Loony Lovegood?" Some Ravenclaw girl asked. "If you are that desperate, I'm available."

"Try that I actually know her and she is very nice, unlike you." Harry replied. The girl was his! That girl couldn't insult his...wait, what! He didn't like her...he couldn't like her. The girl stalked him for crying out loud!

"Thanks Harry. I'll meet you in the Entrance Hall at eight." Luna smiled. Then again...she had a dreamy smile that could melt anyone.

Later on, he found more reasons to like this crazy girl. She danced so well that she covered up his failed steps. She was interesting conversation at an event he couldn't care less about attending, and she saw him as a regular boy, not some famous crap that the newspapers wrote. She wasn't even that creepy now...

Okay, that was a lie, but the creepyiness was part of her charm.

_Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh  
Oh oh oh WOO!_

Sometimes she says she's my mom,  
Looks like she doesn't belong  
She's my own peeping tom

"So, what does the egg say?" Luna asked.

Harry jumped. He was used to Luna popping out of nowhere...but this was the perfects bathroom for crying out loud! "What are you doing here? I've already had a visit from Myrtle."

"She was the ghost I got your location from." Luna smiled. So she talked to the ghosts...that was how she knew where he was!

Harry chose to ignore the fact that Luna suddenly appeared in the bathroom. There was worse things in the world, and besides, this was normal for Luna. "You wouldn't happen to know how to breathe underwater?"

"I thought you would know, silly! Just use scuba equipment!" Luna pointed out the obvious.

"Are you sure that is not against the rules?" Harry asked.

"The rules are written by pureblood wizards...most purebloods don't even know about muggle technology. They never really open up their eyes." Luna explained. "So they can't ban it if they don't know what it is."

"You know...you are right about how most purebloods don't know what muggle technology is. Right before you called this summer, Ron called. He yelled into the resiever...it made my Aunt think you were a normal muggle teenager, and she dreamed about me and you together." Harry explained. "Then she explained how she hated Lily because she wasn't friends with Professor Snape anymore, and how she had a crush on him."

"So that is why you are being nice to him! You want to know more information on your mother..." Luna clasped her hands together. "Your Aunt sounds like a interesting person. I'll like to meet her one day."

"Yeah...just make sure you don't tell her that you are a witch. She'll kick you out of the house." Harry joked.

_Flowers every day  
The cops they tell her to stay  
500 feet away._

Harry was shocked when a group of wizards showed up in his room to take him away from the Dursleys to some unknown location. Then Luna opened the door to his room, and said "Hey Harry, I got these lovely petunias from the nursery." Then Luna acknowledged the other people in Harry's room. "Hello Professors Snape, Lupin, and Moody. I'm afraid I don't know the rest of you."

"I thought we were picking up Potter. Who is this girl?" Professor Moody pointed at Luna.

"That, I would believe, was Mr. Potter's date for the Yule Ball and his own personal stalker." Professor Snape answered.

"I would offer to let you meet my Aunt to catch up on old times, but she doesn't seem to be here at the moment." Harry said. Professor Lupin was shocked. He never saw Harry act this respectful, friendly even, to Professor Snape.

"So I take it Petunia informed me of my past with your mother?" Professor Snape asked.

"Yes Professor. I thought no one could hate my father more than you...but I think my Aunt beats you." Harry replied.

"I know your family doesn't like anything magical...so why is Miss Lovegood here?" Professor Lupin asked.

"See...its a funny story..." Harry rambled.

_She's sleeping on my doorstep  
She hasn't hurt me yet_

Two weeks after Hogwarts let out:

Harry actually went out to the movies with his family. His Aunt was thrilled when she heard Harry met Luna and they became friends (he didn't mention she was a witch), and now had more fuel to her fantasy of Harry getting together with her. Harry was hoping just to get less chores...but his Aunt actually treated him like family. It was strange. Then again, he didn't know his Aunt was a romantic either.

"Um Harry, why is there a girl on our porch?" Dudley asked.

Harry looked and exclaimed, "Luna?"

Luna woke up. "Oh hello Harry. I found your address in the phone book and decided to wait for you to come back. It seems I dozed off for a bit." Then Luna looked at Harry's family. "You must be Harry's family. He's told me loads of good things about you. I should formally introduce myself, shouldn't I? I am pleased to meet you, Mrs. Dursley, Mr. Dursely, and Mr. Dursely (Harry laughed a little inside when she called his cousin Mr. Dursely). My name is Luna Lovegood."

"What a lovely good. She is so polite!" His Aunt exclaimed. "So, how long are you staying?"

"I don't know...see, my father works for a newspaper, and he is going oversees to America to write a story. It seemed lonely to be left alone for all that time, and I thought I would just hang around with my friend Harry here." Luna answered. "I can perfectly understand if you want me to leave..."

"No, you can stay as long as you like. You sound like you are so lonely at home..." So his Aunt had a heart after all.

"So, are you dating her, Luna?" Dudley asked.

"No." Harry answered.

"Can I date her then?" Dudley asked. "She's cute, in a strange sort of way!"

"Not on your life." Harry answered.

"You better move then before someone else takes your sweetheart. She really is a catch." Dudley said wisely. Since when is Dudley wise...was it just him, or does Luna tend to make strange things happen?

_Oh oh oh  
She's following me_

"Harry!" Sirius bellowed.

"How...why are you here?" Harry asked in amazement.

"This is my house...technically," Sirius said with disdain. "I thought I would never have to return here again." Then Sirius's face brightened up a bit. "So who is this lovely lady?"

"I'm Luna Lovegood."

"She apparently was staying at the house when we came to pick Harry up." Professor Moody was still pissed. He hated unknown factors.

Then Harry heard footsteps come down the staircase. Ron, Herimone, and Ginny were on the landing. "Hey, its Harry's stalker!" Ron exclaimed. Typical Ron, he always put his foot in his mouth. Typical Herimone was giving him a dirty look. Ginny looked like she was holding back laughter.

"Quiet, or she'll wake up!" Sirius was too late. His mother began bellowing. "Why, oh why did my mother have to get a portrait?"

"What has my no-good son of mine brought into the house this time?" Mrs. Black bellowed. Her look softened a bit when she saw Luna. "Finally some decency. Lovegood, correct?"

"Yes Lady Black." Luna answered. Sirius paled when she said lady. "If you don't mind me asking, why are you screaming all the time?"

"The shame of my flesh is bringing filth into my house!" Mrs. Black screeched.

"Well, if he is only doing it to bring a stop to You-Know-Who, shouldn't you allow it?" Luna asked.

Mrs. Black's features softened again. "I lost Regulus to the dark lord. I guess all this filth can remain in this house while fighting him."

"I love your stalker, Harry!" Ron blurted out. Ginny couldn't help herself, and burst into laughter.

_Oh oh oh  
She's out of her tree_

"Um Harry, why is your girlfriend hanging from a beam?" Sirius pointed at Luna. Luna apparently thought that treating the bars like monkey bars was fun.

"Because its fun...and she is not my girlfriend!" Harry shouted as he shut the door so Luna couldn't hear.

"But you like her, don't you?" Sirius taunted.

"Why do you have to be so annoying?" Harry sighed.

"Because it is my job as your Godfather. Besides, Luna kinda reminds me of James. He always used to follow Lily around. Come to think of it, most times he did that, he ended up in the hospital wing. He never learned his lesson though." Sirius laughed. "I think Lily thought it was cute after a while."

"Great; now I know my father was a stalker." Harry sighed.

"There is another question I have: why in the hell are you baking Snape cookies?" Sirius asked.

"My Aunt told me that my Mum and Professor Snape were best friends. I guess I wanted to build bridges? It isn't going well." Harry sighed again.

"I think you are nuts." Sirius said.

_Oh oh oh  
She's off of her rocker_

"Hey Harry, I have an idea!" Luna said excitedly. She looked so cute when she looked like that! Wait...must pay attention to what she is saying. Her hair is beautiful too...damm it! "Since everyone thinks your insane, let's go with it!"

Harry had a blank face. "Huh?" Maybe he missed something...her chest wasn't that bad either.

"Just pretend you actually are insane!" Luna explained.

"That would be great! We could be an insane duo!" Plus he had the added time with Luna, which wasn't that bad.

"What's this about an insane duo?" Twin voices said at the same time. "Is someone planning a prank without us?"

"Hi Fred," Luna actually nodded to the right twin, "and George. Harry's going to pretend to be insane."

"We're in!" Both twins said at the same time.

"So," George muttered in Harry's ear, "she isn't that bad looking."

Harry's response was a quick punch to his back. George barely concealed his pain. Harry learned this from when he had to fight Dudley's gang off.

_I want to marry my [x3] stalker_

Harry saw Luna at the stair landing, talking to Mrs. Black again. The girl was a miracle worker. Mrs. Black would listen to no one else. Plus she was beautiful and smart and he was ranting again in his head. Plus her craziness made life so interesting (and saved his life on occasion)!

Still, there were people making a move on Luna; she wasn't his exclusive stalker anymore. He liked being the only one she noticed. Hell, even Dudley noticed, and his cousin wasn't the brightest bulb in the shed.

This all lead to the question: why didn't he admit his feelings for her already? Sure, he wasn't as bad as Ron and Herimone (but that was really hard to beat), but he knew the relationship would work out...he hoped. If Luna moved on, and she could have, did he even have a chance? Now was the time to make a move!

So Harry did the reckless Gryffindor thing: he didn't speak to Luna, he just kissed her. "About time!" Mrs. Black exclaimed.

"Wow! Does this mean we are dating now?" Luna smiled.

"Yes..." Harry was very quickly getting lost in her eyes.

Fortunately, Mrs. Black brought him out of his daze. "Finally something goes right around her. There is a proper relationship going on in this house!"

"Mrs. Black, not to sound rude or anything, but why do you care?" Harry asked.

"Please, Miss Lovegood is actual decent conversation." Harry had to agree with her on that point. "It's hard to find around here. Plus, I have this feeling that my no good son of mine left everything to you and stopped any money from going to his actual family. That makes you heir of the House of Black, and therefore my responsibility. I want the House of Black to continue with honor. The Lovegoods are well known for remaining to be neutral. They are not rich by any means, but they are not poor (Harry had the feeling she was referring to the Weaselys) and their pureblood line goes back for centuries."

"One other thing, since you have actually proven to be worthy of the title." Harry was still stratching his head on how exactly he had proven his title to Mrs. Black. "Check out the family tree and contact those you can. Get to know them, because my son certainly won't help you. Miss Lovegood, will you help? And may I call you Luna since there is a chance you'll be my granddaughter in law?"

"Sure, Draco is the only only with Black ties that goes to Hogwarts though." Harry's stomach tightened. He was supposed to be nice to Malfoy? Well, it would certainly help with his insane persona. Then again...he could make this work. "And Luna is fine." Then Luna turned to Harry. "Hey, you have a new family member now!"

Harry wasn't sure he wanted to have the crazy, pureblood pride woman even related to him. "Well she is better than the Durselys." Mrs. Black didn't insult him constantly and give him long lists of chores (even if they were nicer lately...which was creepy, he still didn't forget his childhood of hell). She was an angel compared to his actual relatives. However, Mrs. Black didn't know anything about the Durselys. "They are my muggle relatives. They don't like magic that much, though they have been nicer recently."

Then Sirius came into the picture. "Son, you have finally made me proud!" Sirius looked like he was about to have a panic attack at any moment. "My new grandson is perfect for the Black family line!"

Harry heard a thud as Sirius fainted.

_This morning she wasn't there  
I hope that she still cares_

"Hello cousin!" Harry waved at Draco.

"What the...Potter are you high?" Draco could be so much like Professor Snape. Maybe they were related.

"Nope...I just found out I'm the heir to the Black fortune...which, besides Sirius, makes me your closest relative!" Harry grinned. Draco paled.

"I think he is taking it quite well, considering." Luna said. She popped out from nowhere, like usual.

"Where the hell did you come from!" Draco shouted. He almost forgot how startling Luna could be...sadly, Harry couldn't laugh out loud at Draco's reaction. "Besides Potter, what is your stalker doing here?"

"She isn't just my stalker," Harry kissed Luna on the lips, "she's my girlfriend."

"So Potter gets someone just as crazy as he is?" Draco taunted.

"That is the point." Luna answered pleasantly.

"Besides...since we are family now, I wanted to start over. Here's some chocolate brownies!" Harry handed a plate full of chocolate brownies over to Draco.

"You've finally lost it Potter..." Draco now actually thought he was crazy. Boy, the twins would love this!

Goyle was already munching on a brownie. "These really are quite good." Draco stared at him. "Fine...I'll shut up if I get to eat the entire plate."

Harry was laughing at Draco's red face (he couldn't keep it in anymore) when he realized Luna was gone. "Draco, do you see Luna anywhere?"

"Maybe she dumped you..." Draco tried to taunt, but it fell short. "I'm not totally heartless. She's probably around here somewhere."

_I almost gave up hope  
But today i awoke  
To a private note  
She says she's going to jail  
For going through my mail  
But she'll stay on my trail_

Harry sighed. "What's wrong mate?" Ron asked.

"Luna's gone." Harry said simply.

"Harry, you have something stuck to your jacket!" Hermione pointed out.

Harry took the piece of paper off his jacket. He realized it was a note from Luna!

Dear Harry,

I'm being questioned by the ministry, probably because the Lovegoods have revealed the Rotgang conspiracy. I might been in jail for a long time since the ministry is being paranoid at this time. Anyway, don't worry about me. I've asked the Weasely twins to keep an eye on you and to keep our plan of everyone thinking you are insane alive.

Love,

Your girlfriend and stalker, Luna.

"Rotgang conspiracy?" Herimone questioned.

"It's Luna's undercover lingo for Fudge using the aurors for his agenda." Harry explained.

"You know, Luna is a lot smarter than she looks." Hermione commented.

"I know; why do you think I am dating her?" Harry had that dreamy look in his eyes.

"No! I am not going though that again!" Ron shouted. "You've already ranted about your girlfriend for the entire summer, plus I had to see you two snog everywhere! I am tired of it!"

_Oh oh oh  
She's following me_

Luna was back, but Umbitch was keeping an eye on you. Harry went up and hugged her. The Great Hall was shocked. When Harry began kissing her, several people fainted. "I was wondering when the nargles would release you from their hold." Harry smiled.

"It only took my charm and a few flicks." Translated: I freaked the aurors out and knocked them out. "So what table should we sit at?" Luna asked.

"I think the Gryffindor table." Harry answered. Luna had no friends in Ravenclaw.

"Headmaster, I demand you separate them and make them go to their own table at once!" Professor Umbridge shouted.

"Those two are not breaking any rules. I am glad that someone is finally showing school unity!" Professor Dumbledore smiled.

"Speaking of school unity headmaster, how about exchange students? We can go and learn about the other houses! I mean, me and Draco could switch," at this, Draco quickly paled, "and someone from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw could switch." Harry smiled. The entire school was shocked, including the twins.

"I think that is a splendid idea!" Professor Dumbledore clapped his hands togther. Draco kept slamming his head on the table repeatedly.

_Oh oh oh  
She's out of her tree_

Harry was snogging Luna in the tree where she first spied on him. He thought it was fitting. Then his happy thoughts of getting Luna to someplace private and out of the way were interrupted by a vision from Voldemort. "I hate him...so close..." Harry moaned as he got further into the vision.

Sirius was in trouble! "We have to save Sirius! Voldemort has him at the Department of Mysteries!" Harry yelled.

"Wait...we aren't going without a plan." Luna stopped him. "Say...do you have any basilisk poison left?"

"It's in the Chamber of Secrets...why?" Harry asked.

_She's off of her rocker  
I want to marry my [x3] stalker_

"Harry, now!" Luna said.

As soon as Voldemort stepped into the Department of Mysteries, Harry stabbed him with a basilisk fang. "Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" Harry said to Luna.

"Leave the romantic crap for later! We still have psychopathic death eaters on the loose!" Ron complained.

"Since when did you learn big words?" Harry was shocked.

"I've been studying." Ron answered.

"More like snogging in the library with Herimone." Luna commented. Ron and Herimone were red in the face.

It was this time when the aurors finally decided to show up. Fudge was proven wrong, and Harry made sure to get one last favor out of him: a trial for Sirius.

"So Mr. Potter, how did you do it?" Rita asked.

"It wasn't my idea. It was my girlfriend's. She always thinks outside the box." Harry smiled as he kissed her.

"Harry...I think this will make the front page..." Luna warned.

"Don't care..." Harry replied.

Later on that night he found a private room...where they celebrated their defeat of Voldemort.

_oh oh oh oh oh oh oh [x2]  
I want to marry my stalker_

It was graduation day for Harry Black (he formally got adopted by Sirius). Draco was cheering him on (somewhere along the line they became friends...okay, Draco got tired of his crazy family and begged to stay with Sirius). The thing that was depressing him the most was that Luna was a year behind him and wasn't graduating with him. "I don't think I can handle not seeing you for an entire year...or half a year, if you spend the holidays." Harry complained.

"Oh, I'll visit...the twins gave me instructions on how to sneak out." Luna smiled.

"I want to ask you something before I go...here, because this place is so special." He was in the tree where he first met Luna. "Will you marrry me?"

"I thought you would never ask. Of course I will!" Luna smiled.


End file.
